10 Commandments of Restroom Etiquette

For those of you who don’t know, there is an unwritten code of conduct which governs your actions in public restrooms. I can no longer tolerate behavior contrary to this code so I thought I would do you all a favor and commit that code to paper, errr, cyberspace.  Be aware, that these are not guidelines, or suggestions, but hard and fast rules that should always be followed. If there are other commandments you would like added, please leave them as a comment so that others can learn from your insight.

NOTIFICATION
Informing others of your need to visit the facility may be appropriate in some circumstances. Word choice in these situations is of the utmost importance. It is never permissible to say “I’ve got to take a leak” or – heaven forbid “I’ve got to drop a load” (which incidentally, breeder boys, means something very different in homo lexicon). While I’m happy to know that you’re not leaving the room because of something I’ve said, I don’t need to know what you plan on doing while you’re out. The table below specifies some “no-no” phrases and suggests some acceptable alternates

Not Acceptable	Fair Game
I’ve got to take a leak	I’m going to the washroom/restroom
I need to piss	I need to use the facilities/powder room
I’m gonna drain the main vein	I’m going to visit the little boys/girls room
Going to feed the toilet	I’ll be right back.  Excuse me, please
I’m sitting on the throne	I’m predisposed at the moment

EYES FORWARD
The rules surrounding the use of urinals in mens’ rooms are cryptic and complicated, so I’ll only be covering some of the basics here. First among them is keep your eyes forward. Tea room encounters are dangerous and tacky, so let’s try to avoid them, ok? If you look like you’re trying to sneak a peak, and you’re cute, you might just get one. Be careful what you ask for.

SHUT UP!
I really hate it when guys try to talk to me in the restroom. A quick acknowledgement of my presence, if I know you might be appropriate. Other wise, shut the fuck up! I’ve had sex with people without saying anything to them or even knowing their names so I definitely don’t want to talk to you while you’re doing your business. If you insist on talking to me while I’m holding on to my junk, you had better be talkin’ dirty.

The restroom is not a place to talk on your cell phone either. I sure as hell don’t care about your conversation, and I’m sure the person on the other end doesn’t want to hear what’s going on around you. If they do, HANG UP – you’re on the phone with a real sicko. Lest you think I’m prude, I have no problem with watersports, but watersports don’t mix well with phone sex and you definitely shouldn’t be doing that in a public restroom.

OTHER DEVICES
The stalls in a restroom are provided for your privacy, so let’s try to keep what’s going on in there private. I shouldn’t be able to hear any sort of buzzing or beeping coming from under the door. If I do, I’m gonna think you’re in their with a vibrator.

NO REALLY, I’M NOT INTERESTED
Some guys are so paranoid about being checked out while it’s hanging out that they look like they’re riding the urinal. Isn’t that uncomfortable and a little gross? There’s a difference between putting your goods on display and getting busy with the porcelain.

NO LOITERING
The restroom is not a place to chilax and talk to your friends (see commandment #3). If you’re in there you’re pants better be unzipped or you should be washing your hands.

JESUS CHRIST, WASH YOUR HANDS
No, really, wash them. I don’t need to be thinking about the genital sweat, dander and bacteria that you’re spreading. It’s disgusting. And believe me, people do notice. I keep a list in my head of the people I know who don’t wash their hands after using the restroom and I judge them for it.Incidentally, washing doesn’t mean holding your hands under running water for a few seconds and then drying them on your pants. Do it right, with warm water AND soap. If you’ve never been taught proper hand-washing technique, watch this video and sin no more.

NO FOOD OR DRINK ALLOWED
Don’t bring it in. It’s disgusting.

GET RID OF IT
Guys, at this stage in your life you should really be able to hit the bowl. It’s not cute, funny or entertaining to see how far you can make it go.  This is not the place for a pissing contest or to practice your dick writing in preparation for the first snowfall.  It really doesn’t take much effort to lift the lid. Once you’ve finished FLUSH THE TOILET. I don’t want to see on the rim, on the seat, on the floor or even in the bowl. Make it go away. If you accidentally miss your target than wipe it up. Your mother is not gonna take care of it for you.

URINAL CHOICE
We all want as much privacy as can be afforded in a public restroom. When choosing which urinal to visit, look for one that is as far away as possible from any other visitors. Ideally you’ll be able to find one close to a wall. Most guys know which urinal is the right one by instinct. If you don’t, take the quiz below and study the correct answers before your next visit.