I can’t fix stupid.

Most consumers never get to see behind the “customer service” or “tech support” curtain and really have no idea what happens when they pick up the phone to get help. They also really don’t know what to do to help out the person trying to help them. Hopefully this will help your next interaction with a random stranger over the phone go a bit more smoothly.

1.) Don’t do it…
Are you really sure that you need to call? I’ve been doing tech support for the better part of ten years now (this is not the appropriate forum to discuss my career, so don’t ask) and I am always amazed by how helpless most people who call up really are. You may be surprised to know that I really don’t have access to all that much more information than you do. Before you decide to pick up the phone and spend 20 minutes on hold to reach a real person, check out the documentation that’s publicly available. It probably does have your answer. Chances are, I’ll be reading the answer I’m about to give you from the FAQ on the website. Look it up. It will save you the aggravation of listening to shitty hold music and it will save me the aggravation of telling you something you could’ve figured out on your own. While I can’t fix stupid, I can sure make you feel like an idiot while pointing out that the answer was right in front of your face.

2.) Know your shit…
So you’ve decided to call. Before you pick up the phone, get everything you need together. I hate hearing “I don’t know what my account number is” or even better “how would know what model computer I have?” Seriously? If you can’t find the sticker on the machine that tells you what it is HANG UP THE PHONE! First, I can’t help you if I don’t know what equipment, services, or software we’re working with. Secondly, if you really can’t figure that shit out, you’re probably beyond help. I can’t fix it if I don’t know what it is, and I can’t fix it if you’re too stupid to know what you bought.

3.) Let me ask the questions here…
By this point in the game, you’ve gathered your information and you’re ready for me to fix your problem. I know that your mother told you were special, but as far as I’m concerned you’re not. You’re just another customer for me to get off my phone so that I can make my quota before my next break. Chances are I’ve already talked to ten people today who had the exact same problem that you do, so please, let me drive. You telling me what you think is wrong wastes both our time. The very fact that you picked up the phone and waited to speak to me indicates that you’re not qualified. Let me do my job. You need to be smart enough to get out of my way. If you’re not, sorry, I can’t fix stupid.

4.) Do as you’re told…
If I ask you to reboot your computer, or verify your account settings please do it. Remember that part about you not being qualified? Rebooting really does fix a lot of shit, and believe me I’m not asking you to do this so that we can hang out and chat. We both have the same goal here: fix your problem, get off the phone. It’s pretty stupid to ask for help and then ignore me, and I can’t fix that.

5.) Shut the fuck up…
No really, be quiet. I don’t care about your kids, about your job, or about how this problem is fucking up your entire day. I especially don’t want to hear about how you had to wait on hold for 15 minutes. You know what I spent the last 15 minutes doing? Talking to some one else who had their head up their ass and thinking it was dark ’cause I turned off the lights (that’s a metaphor, try to keep up).

I especially don’t want to hear about your religion and don’t ask about mine. I actually had a customer once say that they wouldn’t give me their credit card number unless I was “a believer” (you can guess how the rest of that call went) And don’t you dare “bless me” when we’re done. I don’t know you, I don’t know your god, and I don’t want your god’s blessing. Your god can’t fix your shit and clearly, they can’t fix stupid either.

6.) I’m right, you’re wrong – let’s move on…
You called me for help, remember that part? By picking up the phone you are tacitly admitting that you don’t possess the skill, knowledge, or equipment to fix what you broke. Don’t argue with me and tell me that I’m wrong. If you don’t like my answer, hang up and fix it yourself. Remember, I do this shit 8 hours a day and your problem isn’t unique. I know what’s wrong before you can even finish the sentence. There’s no good reason for me to lie to you – my goal is to fix your problem so that I can get you off my phone. Not fixing your problem will result in a subsequent call, and neither of us want that. I can’t fix it if you’re stupid enough to argue with me.

7.) I’m not your bitch, don’t hang your shit on me…
I have no control over the things that you’re unhappy about. I can’t change our company’s policies, get you your money back or send you a new printer. When you start bitching about that shit, I start doing other work and pretty much tune you out. I’ll check back in when I hear silence. You should also understand that while there are things that I have to do for you, there are also things that I can do if I feel so inclined. When you start going off about how I’m lazy, stupid, or apathetic, I become lazy, stupid and apathetic any you’ve just nuked any change that I would make this easy for you. I can’t fix stupid and I won’t fix it if you’re a prick.