And you can sell their babies on Craigslist…

I have tremendous soft spot for our canine brethren and really have a hard time understanding why anyone would choose to make a baby instead of buy a dog. Sure, dogs aren’t always easy to deal with, but they’re a hell of lot easier than tolerating a screaming newborn. They’re cheaper, they’re always happy to see you, and if they happen to get knocked up you can sell their babies on the Internet.

Babies are LOUD! There is no sound more grating, more annoying or more likely to make you want to commit a felony than a crying baby (although Sarah Palin’s nasally quasi-midwestern intonated screachings come in a close second). I can’t count the number of times I’ve been enjoying dinner at a restaurant or have been engrossed in a movie at the theater only to have the experienced annihilated by the piercing banshee wail of a parasitic infant. Oh, that reminds me: did you know that it’s possible to drown a baby in less than an inch of water?

On the other hand, nothing pulls at your heat strings more than the soft, hopeful whimpering of a new-born puppy who wants only to lick your face in exchange for a belly rub. Puppies and dogs will only bark to tell you that they’re excited and happy, or scared and lonely. Either way, the situation is easy to deal with. Give them a tummy rub or snack (incidentally, the same technique works on my boyfriend), and they will quietly roll over and bask in your glory.

Eeeewwwwww, what is that smell? Puppies don’t smell as funky as kids do. Sure, dogs can be stinky, but you don’t see them waddling through your living room with their pants full of excrement – which, by the way, I will not help you with.  Kids play with their food, throw it on the floor or at you, and never pick up their toys. Dogs, on the other hand, can be potty trained in a matter of weeks, never leave a speck of food on the ground and can easily be trained to put their toys away.

What do you really get in exchange for all of your diaper changing and burping? By the time the kid is three you have a petulant little brat now knows how to tell you to go fuck yourself while running away from you. By the time a dog is two or three years old they’ve learned how to sit on command, walk by your side, protect you, your loved ones and your home, keep your feet warm at night and make you feel welcome when you come home. Show me a kid that can do that without the aid of psychotropics.

Dogs only ask you for three things: food, love and a warm place to sleep. Kids ask you for all of that PLUS new clothes, new toys, new books, cell phones, cars, and college tuition. Its not enough that your provided them with your DNA, they still want more!

The average dog will cost somewhere around a $1,000/year. In exchange for that G you get a companion who will absolutely love you unconditionally whenever you need it, someone who is always happy to see you when you come home, and true friend that would gladly sacrifice their own life to save yours. The average child costs between $6,500.00 and $15,000.00 per year. They are so ego-centric that I doubt they are really capable of love, they don’t want to spend time with their parents and they continually expect additional sacrifice from every adult in their life. The numbers just don’t make sense.

Please don’t misunderstand what I’m saying, I have a few friends with children. I am thrilled that they are happy with the decisions that they’ve made, and wish them every happiness that they ever could dream of. What I don’t understand is why they made the choices that did…

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