They are certainly correct to apologize, but are wrong to believe that the apology is sufficient. I don’t want to be associated with crappy movies, traffic jams, poor restaurant service, or ugly clothes.  In fact, those things are the antithesis of gay.

To help avoid these situations in the future I’ve compiled a list of some things that are gay, and some things that are just plain stupid.  Read it carefully and memorize it.  If you find it helpful, you can find a wallet size version of the list to carry with you here.  If it doesn’t show up under “gay” use some other adjective.

Please feel free to comment with your own addition to this list.

It’s important that we stop associating gay with stupid.  The words we speak and hear influence the way we think.  If we equate gay with stupid in our vocabulary it sends the message, intentionally or not, that being gay is something less than.

If you can think of any others that I’ve owned, please remind me.  I’m a huge car nut, so please feel free to leave any comments about the cars below.  =)

1984 Jeep CJ-7

Yupp, that's me driving...

My parents bought this Jeep in 1986 when we first moved to Hawaii.  It was bought used from Budget Rental Cars.  Being a former rental, it was totally stripped (even for a Jeep) and had a anemic 4 cylinder, 2.5L motor that could barely pull it up a hill in 3^rd gear.

My parents sold it in 1989 and bought it again in 1992 when we moved back to the island.  This is the car that I learned to drive on when I was 11, and drove through most of high school.

1987 Chevrolet Camaro Z-28 (complete with T-Tops)

I got this car when I was a junior in high school and promptly drove it under a semi-truck trailer on the Ides of March, 1995.

1991 Pontiac LeMans

First car I bought by myself.  This was a mistake.  It had an engine knock and I was dumb.

1987 Nissan Hardbody Pickup

My dad helped me trade in the LeMans for this Pickup.  I eventually sold it to my friend Michelle.

1991 Chevrolet Camaro RS
I bought this car because it reminded me of my Z28.  In truth, it was crap with a carbureted 302 and a bad 5 speed.

1989 Audi 100

My first European car!  I named her Isabella after a German monarch.  I loved this car and fell in love with the Audi Type 44. They are incredibly unreliable, but very sophisticated for their time.

1988 Audi 80
This car was purchased for my sister and she named him George (Isabella’s husband)

1986 Audi 5000
1987 Audi 5000 Avant
1987 Audi 5000
1989 Audi 200
These are all other Audi Type 44’s.  I still have soft spot for these and would love to own a 1991 200 20vtqa (that’s 20 valve Turbo Quattro Avant for those of you who don’t know Audis)

1985 Audi 4000
Fun car that broke down a lot.

1991 Nissan 240SX
Bought at an auction in Kapolei and sold to my friend Michelle.  This was a fun car.

1985 Volkswagen Quantum Synchro
The first year that VW introduced the Quantum Synchro.  It was test-marketed in Boston, Portland and Denver.

1985 Volkswagen Vanagon
This van was christened “Priscilla, Queen of the Desert” and proved to be just about as reliable as her name sake.  We drove her to Vegas and after breaking down several times on the trip, she finally threw a rod about 6 miles from home on the return.

1986 Volkswagen Cabriolet

A gayer car there never was and Darth loved it.

1984 Dodge Colt GTS

One of my favourite cars of all time!  This thing ran 0-60 in 8 seconds flat, which for 1984 was smokin’ fast!  It had a twin stick manual with, count ‘em, 8 forward ratios.  Lotsa fun!  I paid $35 for this car at the auction in Kapolei.

1980 Toyota Tercel
I also paid $35 for this one at the auction in Kapolei and sold it for several hundred to some guy in Hanalei.

1987 Chrysler LeBaron GTS

This was another fun car.  It had a turbo 4 cylinder, and was pretty quick.  This was also bought at the auction in Kapolei and my mother drove it around Oahu while undergoing chemotherapy there.

1988 Chrysler LeBaron Convertible
Forgetable

1986 Saab 900s
This was the first car I bought in Portland.  Drove it for awhile.

1991 Saab 900
I bought this car sight unseen over eBay and then flew to Florida to pick it up.

1988 Saab 900s
Pretty, mint green and cheap to buy!  I think I just paid $600 for it.

1988 Saab 900s (yes, there have been two of these)

This was the first car I bought after driving the ’06 Ford around for 3 years.  You can imagine my excitement at finally driving a real car after that putting up with that American POS.  You can also imagine my disappointment at being rear-ended a week and a half after buying it.

1991 Infiniti Q45t

Sweet car!  280 horsepower!  Very fast, very posh.  If the tranny hadn’t
given out, it would have been even better.

1993 Jeep Grand Cherokee Grand Wagoneer

More American crap, but it had the 5.2L V8, full time AWD and real simulated wood paneling.

1981 BMW 528i
My first bimmer!

1986 BMW 325
1988 BMW 735i
1986 BMW 7351

1995 BMW 525i
My last bimmer

1988 Ford F-150 Long Bed Extended Cab
I don’t really remember why I bought this, but it was fun for awhile.

1979 Mercedes-Benz 300TD
1988 Mercedes-Benz 420SEL
I don’t really like Benz’s and don think that I’ll buy another one.

1986 Ford Taurus
Crap

1991 Buick Roadmaster
Crap

1994 Ford Aerostar
Crap

1991 Mazda MPV AWD

Awesome van!  Picture this, a 7 passenger mini-van with part time (for better mileage) all wheel drive WITH a locking center differential!!  Can your wannabe cross over SUV do that?

1991 Mitsubishi Galant GLX
Not quite a GSX, but still had the AWD

1986 Peugot 505 sti
Why did I buy this?

1982 Lincoln Mark VI
Blah

1987 Lincoln Mark VII LSC
Very fun car!

1988 Ford Ranger XLT
Crap

1984 Toyota Camry LE
1984 Toyota Camry
1986 Toyota Cressida
1991 Toyota Camry AllTrac
1991 Toyota Camry Wagon
1992 Toyota Tercel
I haven’t really had great experiences with Toyotas…

1998 Ford Explorer
Drover this POS for two weeks and traded it in for my Trooper.

1995 Isuzu Trooper

GREAT SUV!  Huge inside, but with a very comfortable ride.  It was so good that Acura bought it and re-badged it for their SLX.

1995 Acura SLX
See Isuzu Trooper above

2006 Ford Taurus
Crap!  I only bought this because the tranny in my bimmer was giving out and I wanted something with a warranty.

1984 Chevrolet Chevette
Laugh if you like, but I liked this car.

1991 Daihatsu Charade CX
1991 Daihatsu Charade CXL
3 cylinder hatchback and 48mpg long before anyone had ever conceived of a Prius.

1986 Dodge Colt Vista
Kinda cool, I suppose…

1984 Plymouth Reliant
1985 Chrysler NewYorker
1985 Chrysler LeBaron (this one talked!)

Ahh, the K cars….  Better than you may think.

1986 Honda CRX HF
The only Honda I’ve enjoyed driving, but Darth HATED it.

1991 Honda Civic
Blah

1984 Oldsmobile Cutlass Supreme
1982 Pontiac Grand Prix
Best not to ask.

1986 Volvo 760 Turbo
Bought at an auction and promptly sold it.

1987 Mitsubishi Montero
Fun little SUV.  I’d buy another.

1982 Fiat X-19

Don’t know why I bought it, but I sold it for a little bit more and had fun driving it.

1991 Chrysler LeBaron GTC
Why?

I hate my job. I do tech support while hating computers and the idiots who think they know how to use them  I spend my days trying to convince customers to continue to use my company’s services while at the same time trying to fix they shit that they broke.

I hate going to school. All of the “Big Bads” in my life have been associated with an educational institution of some kind.  I really feel that “school” has fucked me over.  My most recent experience has shown me that most people who attend community college think that they’re a lot smarter than they really are.  This includes the instructors.  I’m convinced that if any of them were truly successful in their field they would be practicing instead of teaching for the pathetic wages that a public school can afford.

My car is broken.
I recently unloaded my 2006 Ford Taurus and purchased a 22 year old Saab 900 beater.  The heater is fucking blowing cold air and my feet have been freezing since I got out of the shower this morning.

My dog has gas.
No, it’s bad.  My boyfriend has lit a scented candle in an feeble attempt to cover the stench.  It isn’t working.

I’m fat.
According to the Body Mass Index, I’m morbidly obese and will surely keel over at any second with a massive coronary.  If that should happen, let it be known that I would like a memorial service to be held at Darcelle’s.  My remains should be cremated, mixed together with glitter and stored in a very attractive urn in my living room.

In review…
I have a job.  Really, that should be enough.  What’s more, I work for a company that values its employees and I make decent wage.  I am lucky enough to live in a country where public education is accessible to me and I have the intellectual capacity to handle most of my school work without stress, while maintaining full-time employment and teaching a weekly dance class.  My car is paid for, and I really really like it a lot better than the Ford.  Oh, and did I mention that it’s paid for?  Darth has been one of my best friends for the last 10 years and lives for the sole purpose of making me happy.  Sure I’m a bit bigger than I should be, but I also stopped smoking, I have low blood pressure, and I’m still fucking hot!  At least my boyfriend thinks I’m hot.  Oh, did I mention, he’s also the most wonderful man in the world?

As you can see, my life is fuckin’ awful.

Cars from Japan and Europe both sport superior build quality, durability and reliability and that quality comes from more than just the way the cars are bolted together.  On the whole, cars from Europe use thicker steel than their American counterparts.  Further more, American manufacturers have used spot welding to hold pieces together, while the imports use a combination of full seam welds and glue to attach various panels.  The result is a vehicle with higher torsional rigidity and a high-quality feel.  Try slamming the door on an old Saab and an old Oldsmobile.  The Saab still feels rock solid, while the Oldsmobile feels like it’s about to come apart.  Additionally, some European manufacturers began galvanizing the body panels they used way back in the 1980s.  This extra step ensured that the body panels would never rust.  Take a look at 1990 Audi and a Lincoln from the rust belt.  Chances are you’ll notice small pockets of rust around the lower portion of the Lincoln, while the Audi’s body is still clean and unblemished.

The difference in quality is also evident with just a cursory visual inspection.  Check out a 1985 Chevy Caprice and a Toyota Camry from the same year.  Twenty-four years later, you’ll notice that the gaps between the Camry’s body panes are both small and consistent.  The Chevrolet’s are far wider and you’ll notice that the gap is probably tighter at one end, indicating that the entire panel is sitting crooked on the frame.  Take a look at 2005 Chevy Impala and a Camry.  You’ll notice that the Chevy’s gaps are tighter than they were in the 80′s, but they still can’t compare to the Camry’s.  This isn’t just true of Caprice’s and Camry, try it the next time you see any domestic vehicle parked next to an import.

The imports have also led the Americans in the areas of safety and performance innovations.  The first three point seat belt, crumple zones and anti-lock brakes all found their way onto European productions lines long before those features crossed the pond.  Volvo introduced the three point safety belt in the 1959 PV544 and Volvo claims that over 1 million lives have been saved to date.  The first four-wheel anti-lock braking system (ABS) was introduced in the 1978 Mercedes-Benz S Class and in 1986 ABS became standard equipment on each new BMW and Mercedes.  Today this proven safety feature is still considered optional on many American vehicles. 

While American manufacturers did introduce the first production airbags in the 1970′s, they failed to follow through with further passive safety innovations and all but forgot about the airbag until the late 1980′s.  Audi, on the other hand, introduced the “Pro-Ten” system in it’s 1984 5000.  In a significant front end collision the car’s engine was designed to drop away under the vehicle instead of landing in the front passenger’s lap.  As the engine dropped, cables connected to the engine block and the front seat belts tightened, pulling the driver and passenger back into their seats, away from the dashboard.  The system also pulled the steering wheel down through the dashboard, and out of the way of the driver’s forehead.  Audi was also the first company to make all-wheel drive available on a passenger car with the introduction of the 1981 Quattro, a torch that was later picked up by Subaru who has since made it standard equipment on each car it produces. 

Cars from Europe also have far more cache than domestics.  Which would you rather pull up to the club in?  A 15 year old Mercedes Benz S Class that looks classy, or a brand new Ford Taurus that looks affordable.  Both carry the same price tag, but only one will convince your date that you’re worth going home with.  They not only have more “snob appeal” but European cars look better longer.  Take a look at any 1999 BMW.  If you didn’t know better, you’d never believe the car was a decade old.  The paint is still glossy and the clean styling means that the cars look fresher longer.    There’s none of that cheap-looking glued on plastic that marred so many Pontiacs of the same vintage.

The most telling indication of the failure of the domestic car industry is the fact that American manufacturers recognize that they can’t keep up and have sourced many “domestic” vehicles from their over sea’s competitors.  General Motors has perhaps been the most aggressive importer.  The Chevrolet Chevette was actually a reworked Isuzu Gemini, and the entire, now defunct, Geo line was made up entirely of imports.  The 1988-1993 Pontiac LeMans was actually produced by the Korean manufacturer Daewoo, as is the current generation Chevy Aveo. Toyota provided the the Pontiac Vibe, Chevrolet Prism, and the last generation of the Chevrolet Nova.  The other Big Two have also sourced vehicles from far away lands.  Chrysler purchased the Eagle Premier and Dodge Monaco from the French coach maker, Renault.  All three generations of the Dodge Colt were the same vehicle as the Mitsubishi Mirage.  Mitsubishi also gave birth to the Plymouth Lazer, the Dodge Raider, Daytona, and Stealth, the Eagle Talon and the Eagle Summit.  Ford talked Mazda into selling it various generations of the Ford Escort and Mercury Tracer, and the Mercury Villager mini-van was actually a Nissan Quest.  When Ford brought the Thunderbird back in 2002, it relied on Jaguar to provide the chassis and engine for this new “American” classic. 

American manufacturers have traditionally done one thing very well: build large, comfortable and affordable full-size family sedans.  But now even those are being sourced from overseas.  Two of the best selling domestic vehicles of recent years, the Chrysler 300 and the Ford 500/Taurus, aren’t domestic vehicles at all, and are in fact left-over European designs from the 1990′s.  The Chrysler 300 shares it’s underpinnings and base V6 motor with the 1995 Mercedes E-Class.  That’s right, the new for 2005 Chrysler 300 was actually a ten year old Benz.  The same can be said for the 2004 Ford Five Hundred (later re-badged Taurus).   It is actually the same car as the 1998 Volvo S80.  In fact, Ford liked the Volvo S80 so much that it based two crossover SUV’s, the Ford Flex and Ford Freestyle, on the Volvo.

This is all the more unfortunate because Americans do know how to build great cars.  The problem is that domestic manufacturers can’t afford to do it.  American manufacturers are spending somewhere between $70 and $77 per hour on their employees while Japanese companies pay their American workers up t0 $48 per hour.  That’s not to say that the average Chrysler work is bringing home $150,000 per year, she isn’t.  But the company is still paying the retirement benefits for the worker she replaced 20 years ago – a retired worker that is no longer contributing to the company’s bottom line.  Instead of sourcing better materials, or investing in research and development, the Big Three’s pocket books are hemorrhaging money to pay benefits for thousands and thousands of retired workers.

The current economic crisis forced the entire nation to look at the Big Three differently.  GM has gone Bankrupt, for the second time in a decade Chrysler has been sold to a European manufacturer and Ford is selling off assets to keep the lights on.  All is not lost however.  The American car industry is poised for a major come back in near future.  New “green” products from the big three are in the works and promise a complete reinvention of the automobile industry.  New commitments to quality mean that the cars coming off American assembly lines will be able to compete head-on with the imports.  New management within the industry point to a realignment of corporate values that will once again allow American manufacturers to really compete in a global marketplace.  All of this predicts a future where domestic vehicles will once again set the pace for the entire industry.

I have tremendous soft spot for our canine brethren and really have a hard time understanding why anyone would choose to make a baby instead of buy a dog. Sure, dogs aren’t always easy to deal with, but they’re a hell of lot easier than tolerating a screaming newborn. They’re cheaper, they’re always happy to see you, and if they happen to get knocked up you can sell their babies on the Internet.

Babies are LOUD! There is no sound more grating, more annoying or more likely to make you want to commit a felony than a crying baby (although Sarah Palin’s nasally quasi-midwestern intonated screachings come in a close second). I can’t count the number of times I’ve been enjoying dinner at a restaurant or have been engrossed in a movie at the theater only to have the experienced annihilated by the piercing banshee wail of a parasitic infant. Oh, that reminds me: did you know that it’s possible to drown a baby in less than an inch of water?

On the other hand, nothing pulls at your heat strings more than the soft, hopeful whimpering of a new-born puppy who wants only to lick your face in exchange for a belly rub. Puppies and dogs will only bark to tell you that they’re excited and happy, or scared and lonely. Either way, the situation is easy to deal with. Give them a tummy rub or snack (incidentally, the same technique works on my boyfriend), and they will quietly roll over and bask in your glory.

Eeeewwwwww, what is that smell? Puppies don’t smell as funky as kids do. Sure, dogs can be stinky, but you don’t see them waddling through your living room with their pants full of excrement – which, by the way, I will not help you with.  Kids play with their food, throw it on the floor or at you, and never pick up their toys. Dogs, on the other hand, can be potty trained in a matter of weeks, never leave a speck of food on the ground and can easily be trained to put their toys away.

What do you really get in exchange for all of your diaper changing and burping? By the time the kid is three you have a petulant little brat now knows how to tell you to go fuck yourself while running away from you. By the time a dog is two or three years old they’ve learned how to sit on command, walk by your side, protect you, your loved ones and your home, keep your feet warm at night and make you feel welcome when you come home. Show me a kid that can do that without the aid of psychotropics.

Dogs only ask you for three things: food, love and a warm place to sleep. Kids ask you for all of that PLUS new clothes, new toys, new books, cell phones, cars, and college tuition. Its not enough that your provided them with your DNA, they still want more!

The average dog will cost somewhere around a $1,000/year. In exchange for that G you get a companion who will absolutely love you unconditionally whenever you need it, someone who is always happy to see you when you come home, and true friend that would gladly sacrifice their own life to save yours. The average child costs between $6,500.00 and $15,000.00 per year. They are so ego-centric that I doubt they are really capable of love, they don’t want to spend time with their parents and they continually expect additional sacrifice from every adult in their life. The numbers just don’t make sense.

Please don’t misunderstand what I’m saying, I have a few friends with children. I am thrilled that they are happy with the decisions that they’ve made, and wish them every happiness that they ever could dream of. What I don’t understand is why they made the choices that did…

1.) Don’t do it…
Are you really sure that you need to call? I’ve been doing tech support for the better part of ten years now (this is not the appropriate forum to discuss my career, so don’t ask) and I am always amazed by how helpless most people who call up really are. You may be surprised to know that I really don’t have access to all that much more information than you do. Before you decide to pick up the phone and spend 20 minutes on hold to reach a real person, check out the documentation that’s publicly available. It probably does have your answer. Chances are, I’ll be reading the answer I’m about to give you from the FAQ on the website. Look it up. It will save you the aggravation of listening to shitty hold music and it will save me the aggravation of telling you something you could’ve figured out on your own. While I can’t fix stupid, I can sure make you feel like an idiot while pointing out that the answer was right in front of your face.

2.) Know your shit…
So you’ve decided to call. Before you pick up the phone, get everything you need together. I hate hearing “I don’t know what my account number is” or even better “how would know what model computer I have?” Seriously? If you can’t find the sticker on the machine that tells you what it is HANG UP THE PHONE! First, I can’t help you if I don’t know what equipment, services, or software we’re working with. Secondly, if you really can’t figure that shit out, you’re probably beyond help. I can’t fix it if I don’t know what it is, and I can’t fix it if you’re too stupid to know what you bought.

3.) Let me ask the questions here…
By this point in the game, you’ve gathered your information and you’re ready for me to fix your problem. I know that your mother told you were special, but as far as I’m concerned you’re not. You’re just another customer for me to get off my phone so that I can make my quota before my next break. Chances are I’ve already talked to ten people today who had the exact same problem that you do, so please, let me drive. You telling me what you think is wrong wastes both our time. The very fact that you picked up the phone and waited to speak to me indicates that you’re not qualified. Let me do my job. You need to be smart enough to get out of my way. If you’re not, sorry, I can’t fix stupid.

4.) Do as you’re told…
If I ask you to reboot your computer, or verify your account settings please do it. Remember that part about you not being qualified? Rebooting really does fix a lot of shit, and believe me I’m not asking you to do this so that we can hang out and chat. We both have the same goal here: fix your problem, get off the phone. It’s pretty stupid to ask for help and then ignore me, and I can’t fix that.

5.) Shut the fuck up…
No really, be quiet. I don’t care about your kids, about your job, or about how this problem is fucking up your entire day. I especially don’t want to hear about how you had to wait on hold for 15 minutes. You know what I spent the last 15 minutes doing? Talking to some one else who had their head up their ass and thinking it was dark ’cause I turned off the lights (that’s a metaphor, try to keep up).

I especially don’t want to hear about your religion and don’t ask about mine. I actually had a customer once say that they wouldn’t give me their credit card number unless I was “a believer” (you can guess how the rest of that call went) And don’t you dare “bless me” when we’re done. I don’t know you, I don’t know your god, and I don’t want your god’s blessing. Your god can’t fix your shit and clearly, they can’t fix stupid either.

6.) I’m right, you’re wrong – let’s move on…
You called me for help, remember that part? By picking up the phone you are tacitly admitting that you don’t possess the skill, knowledge, or equipment to fix what you broke. Don’t argue with me and tell me that I’m wrong. If you don’t like my answer, hang up and fix it yourself. Remember, I do this shit 8 hours a day and your problem isn’t unique. I know what’s wrong before you can even finish the sentence. There’s no good reason for me to lie to you – my goal is to fix your problem so that I can get you off my phone. Not fixing your problem will result in a subsequent call, and neither of us want that. I can’t fix it if you’re stupid enough to argue with me.

7.) I’m not your bitch, don’t hang your shit on me…
I have no control over the things that you’re unhappy about. I can’t change our company’s policies, get you your money back or send you a new printer. When you start bitching about that shit, I start doing other work and pretty much tune you out. I’ll check back in when I hear silence. You should also understand that while there are things that I have to do for you, there are also things that I can do if I feel so inclined. When you start going off about how I’m lazy, stupid, or apathetic, I become lazy, stupid and apathetic any you’ve just nuked any change that I would make this easy for you. I can’t fix stupid and I won’t fix it if you’re a prick.

NOTIFICATION
Informing others of your need to visit the facility may be appropriate in some circumstances. Word choice in these situations is of the utmost importance. It is never permissible to say “I’ve got to take a leak” or – heaven forbid “I’ve got to drop a load” (which incidentally, breeder boys, means something very different in homo lexicon). While I’m happy to know that you’re not leaving the room because of something I’ve said, I don’t need to know what you plan on doing while you’re out. The table below specifies some “no-no” phrases and suggests some acceptable alternates

Not Acceptable	Fair Game
I’ve got to take a leak	I’m going to the washroom/restroom
I need to piss	I need to use the facilities/powder room
I’m gonna drain the main vein	I’m going to visit the little boys/girls room
Going to feed the toilet	I’ll be right back.  Excuse me, please
I’m sitting on the throne	I’m predisposed at the moment

EYES FORWARD
The rules surrounding the use of urinals in mens’ rooms are cryptic and complicated, so I’ll only be covering some of the basics here. First among them is keep your eyes forward. Tea room encounters are dangerous and tacky, so let’s try to avoid them, ok? If you look like you’re trying to sneak a peak, and you’re cute, you might just get one. Be careful what you ask for.

SHUT UP!
I really hate it when guys try to talk to me in the restroom. A quick acknowledgement of my presence, if I know you might be appropriate. Other wise, shut the fuck up! I’ve had sex with people without saying anything to them or even knowing their names so I definitely don’t want to talk to you while you’re doing your business. If you insist on talking to me while I’m holding on to my junk, you had better be talkin’ dirty.

The restroom is not a place to talk on your cell phone either. I sure as hell don’t care about your conversation, and I’m sure the person on the other end doesn’t want to hear what’s going on around you. If they do, HANG UP – you’re on the phone with a real sicko. Lest you think I’m prude, I have no problem with watersports, but watersports don’t mix well with phone sex and you definitely shouldn’t be doing that in a public restroom.

OTHER DEVICES
The stalls in a restroom are provided for your privacy, so let’s try to keep what’s going on in there private. I shouldn’t be able to hear any sort of buzzing or beeping coming from under the door. If I do, I’m gonna think you’re in their with a vibrator.

NO REALLY, I’M NOT INTERESTED
Some guys are so paranoid about being checked out while it’s hanging out that they look like they’re riding the urinal. Isn’t that uncomfortable and a little gross? There’s a difference between putting your goods on display and getting busy with the porcelain.

NO LOITERING
The restroom is not a place to chilax and talk to your friends (see commandment #3). If you’re in there you’re pants better be unzipped or you should be washing your hands.

JESUS CHRIST, WASH YOUR HANDS
No, really, wash them. I don’t need to be thinking about the genital sweat, dander and bacteria that you’re spreading. It’s disgusting. And believe me, people do notice. I keep a list in my head of the people I know who don’t wash their hands after using the restroom and I judge them for it.Incidentally, washing doesn’t mean holding your hands under running water for a few seconds and then drying them on your pants. Do it right, with warm water AND soap. If you’ve never been taught proper hand-washing technique, watch this video and sin no more.

NO FOOD OR DRINK ALLOWED
Don’t bring it in. It’s disgusting.

GET RID OF IT
Guys, at this stage in your life you should really be able to hit the bowl. It’s not cute, funny or entertaining to see how far you can make it go.  This is not the place for a pissing contest or to practice your dick writing in preparation for the first snowfall.  It really doesn’t take much effort to lift the lid. Once you’ve finished FLUSH THE TOILET. I don’t want to see on the rim, on the seat, on the floor or even in the bowl. Make it go away. If you accidentally miss your target than wipe it up. Your mother is not gonna take care of it for you.

URINAL CHOICE
We all want as much privacy as can be afforded in a public restroom. When choosing which urinal to visit, look for one that is as far away as possible from any other visitors. Ideally you’ll be able to find one close to a wall. Most guys know which urinal is the right one by instinct. If you don’t, take the quiz below and study the correct answers before your next visit.

I changed my mind about health care a couple of years ago while listening to Rush Limbaugh. He was telling the audience about an illegal alien in Miami who was receiving dialysis treatment three times a week at tax payer expense. Rush went on to bitch about how it was completely unreasonable to expect American tax payers to fund ongoing medical treatments for someone who “didn’t belong” in this country. If the patient had stumbled into an emergency room with a bashed in skull, that was a completely different matter. It would just be cruel to turn anyone away – in a life or death emergency situation we have a moral obligation as decent humans to help others.

How is emergency health care any different from dialysis? Without the dialysis treatments, the patient would be dead within a week. It seems to me that that type of care is just as critical. And, couldn’t we say they same thing about all medical care? Why is the ER obligated to remove the beer bottle out of someone’s ass who got a little over-zealous in the bedroom while jacked up on poppers, but society isn’t obligated to provide chemotherapy, or AZT? It’s as though opponents are saying “It’s not OK to let someone bleed to death, but it’s alright if disease kills them off slowly over the course of weeks or months.” I don’t follow that logic…

A huge part of the debate over health care is finding the money to pay for it. Should the “haves” have to pay for the “have-nots”? Why not? Sure in a true capitalist system everyone would carry their own weight, but we don’t have a true capitalists system, and never have. We have a system that blends socialism (not a bad word by the way) and capitalism. The government’s job is to provide an environment where businesses and individuals can pursue wealth. In exchange for that, the government gets to set down certain rules and charge certain fees to pay for whatever they deem appropriate.

The best part is, WE get to decide who makes the decisions in government, and WE have decided that national health care is important enough to put our current representatives in place. Obama said something to the effect of “in a country as wealthy as ours, health care is a right, not just a privilege.” No one is forcing you to play the game. During the 2000 election, silly west coast liberals were talking about leaving the country if W was elected. If you right-wingers aren’t liking the new rules, you’re certainly welcome to leave. Don’t let door hit you on your way out.

Thomas Jefferson